I've spent my entire teenage years in relationships. I don't regret being in those relationships, I feel as a teenager, I experimented with love and became hooked. Unlike others who experimented with drugs and alcohol, I played with my heart and it became an addiction. There is something that I can't describe when it comes to love, the happiness, the excitement, the butterflies, the thrill, it  makes the pain worth it. 

I've been single for the past three months, it's not something that I'm used to. At first it was liberating, and after that I felt empty, like a part of me was missing. I tried to fill these slots of what otherwise would have been time spent with these people, I have been going out more, with my friends, and by myself. I tried to open myself up to someone even though I wasn't ready. I created expectations for myself that didn't align with the time frame that I'm at right now. 

 

But I'm learning to become comfortable with being by myself. It's funny to think that we come into this world as an individual, and yet I haven't been on my own for nearly a decade. I must admit, that these years have taught me a lot about what I look for in a man, and how to love somebody else. However, they also created a sense of dependency.  As psychology has taught me, I'm currently undergoing extinction therapy, breaking the connections of what use to be, and trying to form new forms of attributions and cognitive links.

I have decided that I am going to go through a process of reincarnation. This is particularly difficult for me, as I always tend to see the best in people, and it acts as a magnet, pulling me closer, but these forces of attraction aren't always particularly good. They end up with me becoming vulnerable, and people taking advantage of that in the short term, or they become something that is more long term that I end up giving up on. 

 

 I am going to try and be more patient, I am not looking for love. To say the least, I'm not even sure I know what it means. Right now, I'm not ready for love. I'm not ready for the heartbreak and the pain.  I don't want to settle for anyone. I want to be blown away, to feel something so strong I can feel the tingles under my skin. In saying that, I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. I will only show those who truly deserve to see the deepest parts of me.